Saturday, April 15th

Yesterday I hung out with James. We had dinner at Rocco’s and I had a couple of beers. I drank Angry Orchard, and I ordered a salmon salad. James commented on my choice of alcohol and food, and multiple times called it “gay.” This is not the first time he has made comments on my choices. It seems as though he has a very limited view on masculinity. He also thinks theater is gay. The irony is I drank more than him, and ate more food too. I really don’t like drinking and when I do drink I prefer wine. I guess that’s gay too. I just know what I like. I know what I like. People feel uncomfortable with confidence and security and therefore, I believe, feel a need to conform to traditional modes of behavior. If I told you I like “white” women with blonde hair, then they would call me a racist, but what they don’t understand is that I prefer a type. I guess I do have a type of way. A standard, I like to think of it as, a way. James, I noticed, keeps our relationship at the surface. He doesn’t like to get deep because it makes him uncomfortable. The few times we do get deep, he thinks I am judging him because we have different lifestyles. He has a girlfriend, I don’t. He is working. I am still in college. I value the arts, he could care less for them. Sometimes I wonder why we became friends. I’ll miss him, but I am looking forward to moving. It would be best for our relationship to move on from each other. I am ready to graduate college, and see what life has next after Los Angeles. I hope that this phase of life passes and a new light will bring happiness to my life.

I met a good looking, well-dressed woman last night, her name was Kat. I spoke with her briefly but I remember her saying, “Alcohol is gender fluid.” I don’t know why I remember that.

There was another attractive female I remember from last night. She came in with two other girls, and they sat with some guys from SAE. When the guy she was with tried to kiss on her she full retracted back and denied him. I remember her looking over and making eye-contact with me. I started laughing not because the guy got rejected but because she looked over and Davis and I saw her.

I got drunk last night. I got cross-faded with weed. In the past two weeks I have started smoking more occasionally. It’s not what it used to be and although I like the feeling, smoking is just not that appealing anymore. I feel the same way about drinking. I could be better without it. I know this, but it’s the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane. The other thing that keeps me sane is working out. I like going to the gym and I also like running.

Every time I go running I do experience a type of euphoric feeling. It’s like for those minutes I am free. I can escape everything I know and go anywhere in my mind and in my body.

The last thing that keeps me somewhat sane is writing. I like the ability to revisit memories and recall them. I like to express my feelings through prose and the poetic structure. I like fiction, too, but I prefer the non-fiction.




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