Book Review – SHAKEN

I just finished reading Tim Tebow’s book Shaken. It was a quick read (3 days), and I really enjoyed it. The book talks about his challenges both on-and-off the field as well as his journey as a missionary for Jesus Christ. From visits to Thailand and the Philippines to serving in prisons, Tim Tebow makes it clear that faith, hope and love are the reasons to live this life. Although his NFL career was cut short, Tim continues to impact the lives of others through his foundation, The Tim Tebow Foundation. My favorite quote from the book is “No matter how big or little, no matter the race or nationality, no matter the disability or not, no matter if it’s in the womb or fixing to go into the grave, every single life counts.”



Recap Friday Night

I went out last night with my friend Anthony. We went to a bar to watch the NBA playoffs and after that we bar hopped to a few other establishments. Anthony is your typical guy. He lives for excitement, but most importantly he is stuck on getting female validation. I mentioned #MGTOW to him last night, so now he knows what it is. It’s up to him whether or not he decides to become educated on the movement and whether he decides to take the red pill or not. Right now he is playing the field. He’s on #Tinder, and he often goes out looking for women to have sex with. I had a few drinks last night and I regret it. One or two is fine, but after that I’m calling it quits. I have been here before and truthfully, I don’t like the taste of much alcohol. I think people mostly drink because they want to feel good, or they want to escape their current predicament. Drugs, alcohol and even sex is a getaway. The more and more people have sex, do drugs and drink the more dependence they build for it. The good thing about last night is that I had the courage to let Anthony know about my intention in not going to bars or clubs anymore. I’m okay with going out and being social, but as far as spending money on drinks and clubs, I’m done with it. I recently started reading Tim Tebow’s book Shaken, so far it’s pretty good. Obviously, because Tebow is a outspoken Christian, the book has a lot to deal with faith and hope in God, but honestly it’s a swift read and I don’t mind the subject matter. It has really challenged me to think about my life and where I am with God and faith. I could say that maybe these past several weeks I have been really angry and bitter about a lot of different things. What I am learning from this book is to take it one day at a time, especially when dealing with social pressure. I could say the same thing about drugs, alcohol and women, deal with it one day at time. I guess I have to start learning to just trust again, to learn to let go and not be afraid of what comes next to put faith in that which I know is true.



Failure at Ease

Today I took my first test. I failed. I failed miserably. I forgot that the exam was today, and so when I received it in class, I completely and utterly gave up. I filled out many 25% of the exam while the rest while the rest was left blank. I frankly just didn’t know the answers. I couldn’t even guess, it would have been pointless. I feel tired, and I hate when I am tired especially when I know I have gotten adequate rest the day before. I feel like I am being watched, and not only that teased. I can feel my skin tingling as I walk around campus. More like getting poked. Whatever it is, it won’t leave me alone. I miss when I was living my life without sadness, depression and suicide thinking. Everyday is a challenge to live and I hate that I can’t just do what I want without feeling some kind of entity over my shoulder. It bothers me, and because it continues to pester at my skin and in my ears, I feel the only way to be relieved of this continuous trauma is to kill myself. That is the only way. I can’t think of another way to escape this nightmare. I used to be happy all the time. That’s how people knew actually. The happy go-lucky guy. Now the demons go stronger, and like an evil spirit it continues to feed on my spirit, it continues to live off the energy of my soul. Please! Leave me alone! I want nothing to do with you. Please go away!



This weekend I am going to try magic. It will be a one time deal, a one time experience.

I am hopeful that it will be a good experience and that I will learn a lot from it.

I am taking it because I want to promote growth. I believe that sometimes experimentation is necessary for developing the mind and body. I won’t share it with many people as I believe it to be a private concern, but I will document it before and after. I will be doing it with my friend James and hopefully, we will also have another one of his peers to accompany us. I am not concerned about the experience. I believe things will go quite well actually.

My intention is to see deeper within my spirit and subconscious mind and understand where it is in my life that I need improvement. I also want to understand where my stress comes from and if it is possible to love and forgive again after this experience. I know going in before hand that I have a lot of unresolved anger with people I have loved and trusted in the past. I also know that deep down I have some insecurities about myself that I sometimes don’t admit to. I hope that I can uncover another level of truth within myself and the cosmos. I want to learn a deep lesson from this experience and I want to be able to attain another level of wisdom from it.

In order to prepare for this experience I have increased my intake of water. Also, this past month I have not eaten meat. I have stuck strictly to a vegan diet. Next month I will reward myself with a fine steak and expensive glass of wine.

Lately, I have noticed that women have been paying more attention to me, I am not sure why. Maybe I am changing without me knowing it, but I do notice people’s reaction to me is different. I have debated within myself whether or not I should approach these girls and see if I should open myself up to love again, but I don’t think I am ready. Also, I don’t think I can trust women. The last woman I loved was sleeping around and what’s worse, I knew the guy she was with. I don’t appreciate that. It has forever left an image in my mind about her and the man. Now I think about the future and whether or not I’ll ever get married. I think about people like Leonardo DiCaprio, and others who live healthy and successful lives and they are not married and do not have children. I guess this society assumes that people will get married and have children. I have always been against society and the norms anyway.

I look forward to this weekend and I am optimistic that things will go well.



Solitary – Part I

I write solo. I write by myself. I do not ask for any advice on how to write, I just do it.

I am not interested in affirmation, but what I am curious about is whether or not I am proficient, efficient, and comprehensive.

My writing is linked to movement because I feel things. I am not sure if it is linked to some type of extraversion, or perhaps body and movement is some type of language rooted in my DNA.

I move.


I have been taught time and time again that actions will lead someone to success. Actions will bring someone to greater opportunities, and it is these movements or choices that cause someone to come to a greater understanding of themselves and their environments.

How do I bring about change? How do I perform good works?

Is it complete abandonment of the self?

Or is it complete acceptance and encouragement of the self?

I am lost between the two.

I know the best of both worlds as I have some knowledge of what it means to be bi-racial, or “mixed.”

However, how far do I stretch my knowledge and experience? How far do I extend the curiosity of my biology and my experience? These are the questions that circulate in my mind.

Languages are my forte. Culture is what I consume daily and it is what I analyze.




I must return to what I am good at languages and culture.

These are the things I am good at. I must return to them and reinforce the practice daily.







Jesus’ second birthday

“Happy Easter” they say to me.

What does that mean? In general, if someone is not coming from a religious or theological standpoint, what does it mean to say, “Happy Easter” to them?

It’s a bit insulting isn’t it? I am not trying to sound negative but how is a person supposed to respond. Let’s say for instance we are not referring to Jesus and his death. Instead, we are talking about the season of the year. I would then not say “Happy Easter,” I would say “Happy Spring,” or more practically I would say “Have a wonderful spring season.” I believe that statement is more sensible.

Again, I understand that people are coming from a good place in their hearts, at least I think so, but the assumption that everyone believes in the same “Easter” is kind of well, arrogant.

I guess this is the struggle of having a nation dominated by Judeo-Christian theology. Unfortunately, I believe this theology is largely incorrect. Simply put, I believe we got it all wrong.

Jesus, I believe, is not G-d. No. Jesus is the Son of G-d. What the majority of Americans believe is that Jesus is G-d. There is false. The distinction between the two are vastly great, and the theological implications for people who believe Jesus is G-d is, again, arrogant.

Today, I will take the time to investigate the sayings of Jesus and prove that he is indeed not G-d, and I will highlight that Jesus himself said that he is NOT G-d.

I am not sure what I am motivated by. Maybe it is hate. Maybe it is love. Whichever it is I will make my point clear and hopefully provide some clarity to my affirmed theology.


Saturday, April 15th

Yesterday I hung out with James. We had dinner at Rocco’s and I had a couple of beers. I drank Angry Orchard, and I ordered a salmon salad. James commented on my choice of alcohol and food, and multiple times called it “gay.” This is not the first time he has made comments on my choices. It seems as though he has a very limited view on masculinity. He also thinks theater is gay. The irony is I drank more than him, and ate more food too. I really don’t like drinking and when I do drink I prefer wine. I guess that’s gay too. I just know what I like. I know what I like. People feel uncomfortable with confidence and security and therefore, I believe, feel a need to conform to traditional modes of behavior. If I told you I like “white” women with blonde hair, then they would call me a racist, but what they don’t understand is that I prefer a type. I guess I do have a type of way. A standard, I like to think of it as, a way. James, I noticed, keeps our relationship at the surface. He doesn’t like to get deep because it makes him uncomfortable. The few times we do get deep, he thinks I am judging him because we have different lifestyles. He has a girlfriend, I don’t. He is working. I am still in college. I value the arts, he could care less for them. Sometimes I wonder why we became friends. I’ll miss him, but I am looking forward to moving. It would be best for our relationship to move on from each other. I am ready to graduate college, and see what life has next after Los Angeles. I hope that this phase of life passes and a new light will bring happiness to my life.

I met a good looking, well-dressed woman last night, her name was Kat. I spoke with her briefly but I remember her saying, “Alcohol is gender fluid.” I don’t know why I remember that.

There was another attractive female I remember from last night. She came in with two other girls, and they sat with some guys from SAE. When the guy she was with tried to kiss on her she full retracted back and denied him. I remember her looking over and making eye-contact with me. I started laughing not because the guy got rejected but because she looked over and Davis and I saw her.

I got drunk last night. I got cross-faded with weed. In the past two weeks I have started smoking more occasionally. It’s not what it used to be and although I like the feeling, smoking is just not that appealing anymore. I feel the same way about drinking. I could be better without it. I know this, but it’s the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane. The other thing that keeps me sane is working out. I like going to the gym and I also like running.

Every time I go running I do experience a type of euphoric feeling. It’s like for those minutes I am free. I can escape everything I know and go anywhere in my mind and in my body.

The last thing that keeps me somewhat sane is writing. I like the ability to revisit memories and recall them. I like to express my feelings through prose and the poetic structure. I like fiction, too, but I prefer the non-fiction.