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Disqualified

I called my recruiter on Friday, and reminded him of my attempted suicide.

He texted me back and said I am most likely disqualified.

I am a little bummed out because I had this whole career path planned out, but it looks like it won’t be happening. However, I don’t feel that bad. If anything I feel honest and genuine coming from a space of vulnerability.

My life is so day-by-day that nothing really surprises me, maybe it’s because I feel numb.

What should I say?

I attempted suicide because I reached a point of contentment in my life?

Or maybe I should say, I committed suicide because I was going through an existential crisis, and suicide at the time was the only answer.

How about this: I attempted suicide because I wanted to finally meet my Maker, if there is one, and see what he had to say about my life here on Earth.

No, no, how about I say this: I attempted suicide because of the darkness and emptiness I feel inside my soul – whatever is left of it.

Regardless of the outcome, I really don’t care if I get a chance to go back in the Army or not, it doesn’t phase me anymore what happens in this life. I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of the lies, I’m tired of the material and consumer culture, and most definitely tired of the rat race of success.

I’m fine just the way I am and what I decide to do with my life is my own decision.

 

Shalom!

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