He rises in the morning, stretches, and looks up at the white wall.
“Okay. Let’s do this.”
As he scans the room he breathes away. His skin starts to tingle.
God why me? I’m sorry for what I have done, please God forgive me. Please end this.
He looks at his watch:
He’s late and he starts to move faster. He starts to hustle for time.
Everyday it’s like this. Just sitting here thinking about the past while everyone is happy and cheerful about their current predicaments. They’re happy. They’re happy.
He catches the bus, but sometimes he misses it. He walks to school and keeps his head down most of the time in order to not draw attention to himself.
Why does my head feel like it’s on fire?…
Occasionally, he’ll look up to the sun and pray to G-d.
Please God, kill me. Please just strike me down now. I don’t want to live anymore, please God. Please.
As he approaches the university he notices other students, young and old, black, white, asian, he notices all of them. Often times he’ll look at them with a stern and stoic look on his face. He does this on purpose, but sometimes he’ll smile just to make their day better. Most of the time they smile back, but other times they don’t notice him.
That’s a good looking guy. Oh, she’s cute. Man, that guy needs to lose some weight.
He walks and again, lowers his head reminding himself that he is not special and the best thing to do is not to draw attention to himself.
As he walks and walks he finally reaches campus, it is a large and beautiful university. The campus is filled with many students, thousands from around the world attend this university. A part of him is proud to be at this university, but often times he regrets coming to the college because he misses the military. He misses the Marine Corps and the friends and opportunities he made while serving.
God I wish I was in Afghanistan right now, fuck this shit!
When he finally gets to the School of Arts, he realizes how lucky he is to be attending such a prestigious university.
Man! I go to UCLA, shit! Not bad!
However, when he finally gets to the classroom he remembers that he is out numbered by the young and dumb and ignorant students who attend the university. It’s not their fault they don’t know about the real world. They just don’t know the truth.
Don’t talk today. Just keep your mouth shut. Your opinion doesn’t matter. Remember, you’re here to get your degree and get the fuck out. Don’t forget your training. Don’t forget your training. Don’t forget your training.
After an hour and a half, or sometimes two hours, depending on the class, he finally gets a break. He walks around campus to catch some fresh air. He would look up at the sun a few times just to be reminded how small he really is.
I’m sorry baby. Please forgive me. God please kill me.
In-between classes he would sometimes wander around just to enjoy the beautiful weather, but most of the time he would go to the library where he would write…Papers, but not only papers, scholarly papers that he hated very much.
Feminism, what a fucking joke! What does that even mean? Ugh! Let’s all just work together. Work hard, and stop classifying us by labels. I’m tired of this liberal bullshit.
You see this guy considered himself a pretty tolerant person, a open-minded individual but what he couldn’t stand was oppressive thinking. He hated it! He appreciated liberty and independence. What he valued most in people was free-thought and diversity in ideas, but at the university there wasn’t much of that, no, most of the college students thought one way, and often times if you didn’t think alike you get outcasted and shunned, and sometimes even called a bigot for no reason. That is why he learned at the university that it is better to keep quiet and keep your opinions and ideas to yourself.
My head hurts. What’s wrong with my skin? Why does it tingle all day? Why am I burning up? Am I dying? Please God, please, kill me. I’m sorry for my sins. Please take my life.
He was a smart guy, pretty intelligent, but the problem is he’s aggressive, and people don’t like a guy who’s intelligent and aggressive, it reminds them of evil dictators. But he wasn’t an evil dictator, he was a guy who championed people, he believed in people, but after a while he realized that in this world, earth, you really can’t trust anyone, not friends, not family, no one, so he kept walking and again, he put his head down reminding himself that he’s not special and it’s better not to draw attention to himself.
Two more weeks, come on man, two more weeks, and you’ll have a week off to sleep. The demons can’t bother you when you’re on olanzapine. That shit knocked you out last time.
“Oh Wow!” he said under his breath. A beautiful blonde walks past by him and gives him a little smirk…
“God, I just want one. Goddamnit…”
Please stop this! Please! It’s over. Why are you doing this to yourself? Stop living a fantasy, you’ll drive yourself crazy again. Stop!
He liked blondes, no, he LOVED blondes. Ever since he was a little boy he has always had a crush on blonde women. His first TV crush was a blonde, and even the first and only girlfriend he had was a blonde. You see, when he was young he always noticed bright colors both in people and his environment. He loved seeing different colors against each other. At school he liked combining colors because he thought it was a perfect way to bring people together by mixing colors. Not only that, but he loved the golden hair that came from their head and he always thought how nice would it be to touch gold. That’s what he taught when he was young that blonde women were made out of gold, but as he grew older he knew how silly that was. He also knew that women were much smarter than men, and it was because of this that he had to be extra careful for his feelings had already been hurt.
Don’t fucking waste your time dude, she’s not interested. These women are power hungry they would not be interested in a scrub like you. You have nothing to offer. Move on with your life, stop wasting time.
Most of the time he would see a beautiful blonde he would think of the beautiful children they could make together.
I wonder…What would our kids look like???
However, he gave up on women. He stop trying to go on dates, or trying to court a woman. It ended with one girl, a girl who forever changed his life. This girl he dreamt about in his dreams, and it forever traumatized him both for the good and the bad. He was very hopeful and glad for meeting this girl, but it was the wrong time and he made a terrible mistake. He damaged her, and for this he became bitter and cold, and felt guilt and shame inside. He hated himself. Everyday he would hate that he ruined her life, and changed her course. He hated that he affected her personality, and not only that he hated who she became. He wanted to kill himself to undo the wrongs he committed.
Why am I still God, please God just kill me. I don’t want to live anymore.
When he was younger he would have vivid and beautiful dreams, but as he gotten older he only had nightmares. His nightmares got worse and worse and worse. He would dream about cold dark and winter nights alone in the forest. He would dream about dead people suffocating him and eating his flesh. He would dream about sharks eating him right before he died. He would dream about young teenage girls getting raped and him watching. He would dream and dream and not stop dreaming about death. He became death. For everyday he woke up he saw nothing but death in the mirror. He would smile and see death. He would cry and see death. Everyday he went to school he would laugh, and smile and help brighten people’s day, but inside he felt nothing but darkness and cold and emptiness. He would hear girls screaming but he saw nothing. He would hear men laughing in his ears but he would see nothing. Sometimes at night he would see dark shadows in the corner of his apartment. They were still and they had no eyes. They did not move nor speak, but instead remained like large statues and gargoyles in his room.
I am a dead man.
At the end of the day he would catch the bus home and regret arriving to see his roommate who he grew to dislike. He became jealous of his life. His steady career, his beautiful girlfriend, his comfortable and lavish lifestyle – he hated it all. However, just like any other day he would smile and be a support to his dead friend. He would cheer him on when he needed to. He would encourage him when he needed to, and sometimes he would pray for him in secret.
And when the time came, he finally took a shower, ate, and prepared to see his demons in his sleep – for they never slept. His demons would tease in the morning right before waking and they would harass him all day and right before getting ready for bed they would wait, wait for him to fall to a deep sleep and right before he could ease into a dream like a baby, they tortured him.