No Meat

I am going through another phase in my life. The newest of which is eating no meat – steak, chicken, and anything of the like.

I want to give up meat for the month of April in hopes of attaining stronger health both in the mind and of the body.

I am excited to see what the results are, hopefully, my skin will become healthier and I will look better as well.



Morton’s Steak House

Yesterday I went to a dinner with my father. We went to Morton’s Steak House. The event was sponsored by the company for those individuals who made more than 250,000 for the fiscal year of 2016-2017. They served steak, salmon and vegetable pasta. It was a three-course meal that also came with dessert. It was a delicious meal and I enjoyed meeting some of my father’s associates, but one thing I didn’t like is that it felt a bit snobbish and elite. I felt a little out of place. I did not feel like I belonged in this group. One person commented on how he disliked Trump, and another person made trivialized comment about my experience in the military, “Glad you did it, glad you got out, huh?” he said. I just didn’t like the setting, it wasn’t for me really. But they had free drinks so naturally I helped myself to some whiskey and wine. Towards the end of the night, one of my father’s colleagues son directed me to the bar where I met Keegan-Michael Key. Key is a famous writer, producer, and actor who has starred in MadTv, Saturday Night Live, and also produced his own movies and television shows such as Keanu, and Key and Peele on Comedy Central. I did not bring my phone to the event because I wanted little distraction and I wanted to be fully present, emotionally and physically. It’s funny because Key actually asked me if I wanted a photo, I declined, and said I just want to “shake your hand.”


No More Games

There is a consistent pattern among men and women:

Go to a bar, then flirt and dance, and then find a suitable partner –

Maybe go to dinner, or maybe go out to coffee, but there is no chance.

It is a interview of who can hang the longest. Who can last the longest through pain and suffering. Who can deal with the the history of the family, both past and present, who can deal with the rest?

That is the question.

People aren’t looking for a soul mate their looking for a fuck mate, one to satisfy the quick and easy hedonistic impulses.

That’s what they are looking for.

I do not for the same, except for the intermediary the quick high, the quick drunk, that is what I look for.

An escape, that is what the artist looks for. An exit, what is the way of escaping the long and enduring suffering?

What is it?

What is it that keeps me up at night? Is it the crows croaking during the daylight? Is it the thought of swimming in the abyss? What is that keeps the writer at his writing desk? What is it that keeps him alive? Is it love? Is it madness?

What is it that keeps  him alive?

That is the question that lurks within the subconscious and brings life into the conscious. Drugs, alcohol, and remedies, these are the things that keep the writer alive in the midst of suffering? However, the rest of the populace must not know what is underneath. They must not know what is that keeps its hunger lasting, and its suffering lasting.

What is it?

Is it love?

Is it madness?

Is it addiction?

What is it that keeps the writer writing?

What is it?

What is it?

What is it?

Death awaits…

Death waits…

Death waits…


Black Skinhead

I like my women tall, white and blonde.

I like my drink tall, strong and dark.

I am feeling faded, but I’m sober, but not for long. Getting ready to get drunk, but I ask for forgiveness before I sin, and then I commit.

Old friends tell me to repent, new friends asked me how much the rent, and for the reset I say fuck you, I don’t care. I put on the credit, and if I live for tomorrow then consider me bless.

Many say I’m blessed,

but others say I’m cursed.

But I like living in the middle, the liminal king, not here not there, but everywhere. Black, white, Mexican, Italian, Middle eastern, I’ll be whatever you want.

The people’s champ. The King’s joker, and the Lord’s rejected.

I’m ready to end, I’m already ejected from the kingdom, so why keeping living and keep sinning? Am I a sinner or a saint? Which direction am I going?

I don’t know, but I don’t care.

If I die today, Amen. I die tomorrow, Amen. If I die next week, Amen.

I’m ready whenever, let’s go almighty.

I love my country, and that includes the red, white and blue.

I smile at everyone, but these bitches don’t know what I been through.

Smirk, smirk and smile.

Suicide, suicide, suicide, in his heart.

Suicide, suicide, suicide, on his mind.

Die, die, die, let’s go!

He’s trapped in the wrong body, but with the right mind.

He’s got the right mind, but his soul is dead.

He’s a walking skeleton.

Die, die, die!

Let’s go.

Skin his head, preserve his corpse,

He’s made of gold.

Where is he going?



Paper Trail

I need to start a paper trail from all the doctors that assisted me during my hospitalization.

I also need to complete my therapy and medication by June 1st, so I can submit my package to the Commanding General of MEPS (Los Angeles) in enough to time to make a decision on where I will live and work.

In the meantime, I need to keep a low-key lifestyle by staying out of trouble.

Worse comes to worse, if I don’t get into the Army, I’ll take a year off to cool down and get redirected for a new path, possibly graduate school (Law, education, etc.).