I need help. I am struggling to live on.
For the past six years all I have thought about is you.
I have been across the world – Japan, Israel as well as Mexico, but everywhere I go, you are always there both in my dreams and in my thoughts.
I know what I am and I know what I am not.
I respect you and your family, but I also know that not all families are united.
My parents are divorced and honestly, I don’t trust their opinions.
I am confused. I am conflicted. I am lost.
I respect the law, but I feel the spirit, so how am I supposed to keep on living when everyone tells me I am crazy? My roommate is an atheist and he thinks I am delusional because I believe in Jesus. What am I to say to an unbeliever? He is a fool and I am righteous? No! I am a filthy sinner, a scumbag and a degenerate.
I have tried to go the way of the world, the way of Satan, and it has brought me nothing more than additional pain and trauma. I have dated other people, been with other women, but yet I still think about you. I am trash!
I have been on and off drugs, functioning as an alcoholic, and when I start to gain some confidence and become sober all I think about is killing myself because I can’t stop thinking about you and all the pain I have created in your life.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Please forgive me XXXXX.
You have my word. You will never hear from me again, but please express yourself. I have no one to talk to. Nobody believes me. I’m alone and I’m afraid.
I have been to therapy, I have sought counsel from pastors and rabbis’, and none of it has helped.
I can’t pretend like everything is normal because it’s not. Everything changed when I met you. I am fully aware of the circumstances in which we met and I take full responsibility for my actions. However, you were a miracle. I was going down a path of self-destruction and you stopped me. You saw right through me. Those letters I wrote were honest and truthful.
I just want closure. I want to be happy again. I am tired of living a lie. I am tired of hiding in shame and guilt. I want to be free.
I pray everyday, but I hear nothing. I get no answers, and as a result I sit in my apartment and distract myself from my thoughts.
I am afraid of death.
I have three younger brothers and one sister, who all look up to me, and I don’t want to disappoint them, but it’s so hard to put on a smile. It’s so hard to look at them in the face and lie to them every time I see them.
I will be in Orange County this week to see my Dad and my little brothers, and then I will head down to Mexico to see my Mom and family there.
If you want to talk over the phone we can. If you want to meet up we can do that too. If you want to keep it short and end it here on Facebook we can do that as well.
I just want to be free. I want to believe like I once did. I want to serve my country again.
I trust you. I know you will do the right thing.
Michael Stephen Williamson.