Monday, February 13th

I am going to call my recruiter today and let him I attempted suicide. I have every intention of being honest. I did some research on Suicide in the Bible, and I was right – suicide can be a noble act. However, what is the ultimate goal? What am I living for? Christ? Myself? Dylan?

Who does this life belong to?

I have endangered my baby, I have injured myself and now I am stuck, contracted to an institution (UCLA) that plagues my mind with depraved and false teachings.

I can’t run. I will not run.

If I kill myself it will be done more effectively the second time. I will not use a KA-Bar, or a knife, no, the weapon of choice or the method must have a higher degree of success. There can be no accidents, there can be no missed points.

But who will win?

Will I? Will God win? Will Satan win?

I am tired of living in a state of ambiguity, it’s exhausting.

Am I chosen? Am I God’s unwanted child? Am I the Son of Satan?

Who is that I serve?

Damned if you do – damned if you don’t.

I remember one time when Heather told me her brother committed suicide. I wonder why? Did he sacrifice himself too?

My uncle killed himself because he lost the love of his life, but now he my cousin Myles is fatherless, and his mother is remarried to some…He’s a nice guy.

What if I lied? No, I can’t do that. I don’t feel right lying and serving my country.

What else could I do? Become a teacher? Become a cop? There is not many occupations that hold a deep desire for a career. I could become Priest, but is that what I really want to do? No. It’s honorable, but it’s not what I want to do.

I can’t stand to listen to the critics, to other men, women, humans who think they have the ultimate authority of the Word.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s