Last night I gave into an impulsive, or I should say a compulsion and I googled D.
I tried to find her on social media, she was not available. It could be possible that her accounts are private, or she blocked me somehow.
A part of me felt ashamed, kind of dirty, but then another part of me felt inspired. I saw a couple of older photos and I felt like trash but immediately after I became motivated.
Am I making her an idol?
What is the biblical definition of an idol? Can you admire someone and not idolize?
Due to the fact that idol worship in the antiquity was viewed and practiced differently than what we might think of in a post-modern society –
Another thought –
Then it became obsession – the lust flowed in my blood and goosebumps pricked my neck. My chest expanded and my arms extended out. I don’t know what overcame me.
If God is the Highest of all the Order – Angels, Demons, Spirits, Humans- then I can have different aspirations or models of inspiration. There is nothing wrong with that, but the fear is that I am rationalizing.
I have a small collection of pictures, but they are not provocative in any way. There are pure in nature and truthful. I look to them, at her, and pray. I send her my love, energy and hope that she will rise up, and receive the powers of the Spirit. D is her own. This is her life and her mind, body and soul belong to God, and her Will is also her own.
If I lust then I am not exhibiting love, but if I admire, pray and from a distance exhort her than I do no harm – neither to her or myself. I only hope, that is all.
I will construct a collage, a medium in which I will pray and seek supplication.
If I sin then I take it to the cross, and I take it to Sheol.
Is this regression, or suppression? Can rumination be a form of power?
I am digging my grave, so be it.
All or nothing.
Live for something or die for nothing.