From 1800 to 0000, silence.
No talking. No answering phones. No speaking.
I told my roommate that I would be practicing complete silence tonight, and now that I am here I think he is rather uncomfortable. He immediately called one of his co-workers to see if he was available to hang out tonight.
“Hey Chris, it’s your boy…”
Your boy? I don’t ever recall James calling one of his co-workers who he barely likes “his boy.”
I have committed myself to alternative lifestyles, and I am beginning to see how it is effecting those around me.
Even this morning, James commented on how he doesn’t drink wine anymore and how he misses it. He later went on to stay that it is because of me that he is not drinking regularly. I look at this as a positive outcome, but he says that it’s not what he wanted. It’s not what he intended in our friendship. Another observation: We went to In N’ Out on Sunday, and he commented on how his life has changed immensely since we have moved in together as roommates.
“I haven’t been with a lot of girls, been cutting down on my drinking, and even marijuana, I don’t use that as much as I used to. Dude, ever since I’ve been your roommate my life has changed drastically. Look at me, I’m even wifed-up now.
I guess the term wifed-up in Greek life means “having a girlfriend,” or “is in a open and committed relationship.”
I have turned my life back to G-d since December, after I reached out to my Baby, but no response. This is called the SILENT TREATMENT, and I am guessing that this is one of three things:
1.) A test of patience and character, and commitment
2.) Utter rejection (“She has moved on, get over it!”)
3.) Or perhaps, punishment.
I’m hoping for number #1, but I am not completely ruling out #3 as well.
However, there is something else happening much more stranger. Something is happening within me. I feel different. It’s hard to explain.
My physical fitness is getting back to what it used to be like in Marine Corps, and I can feel my muscles retaining to their Alpha state, as well as my cardio-vascular aptitude. My old habits are dying (drinking, masturbating to pornography, doing drugs, and even compulsory lying), and new ones are forming (blunt truth, sobriety, confidence, and a hyperawareness of both my mind and my body).
But it doesn’t stop there.
Stranger things are happening. I don’t blink as much. My eyes are turning light red with a hue of brown, my body feels as though it is in heat, or more specifically on fire, my breathing has changed as well – going from mouth-breathing to now in the nose out the mouth. Another example of something rather odd. I was on the Big Blue Bus taking it from Westwood back to my apartment, and as usual I sat in the back. To the right of me was a patron who was scanning his phone. I hummed a familiar psalm, a worship song. Shortly after, the patron sitting next to me starting convulsing and shaking. He also began to stretch his arms, and became irritable. I have never seen anything happen like this before.
Another strange event. I am walking from campus to the Westwood, the college town of UCLA, and I recognize a transient, a homeless woman, who often tours the campus and walks around town. I don’t know why but I felt compelled to reach out to her. This particular transient has a tendency to speak to herself out loud in public. Clearly, she is dealing with some type of demon, some type of spiritual oppression. I said, “Hi! My name is Michael, what’s you name?” She became nervous, anxious and even frightened. I put out my hand and offered a salutation. She cowered inwards, and what surprised me was how she shaped her arms – it was an “X.”
X. X. X.
I have been seeing Exe’s (X’s) everywhere. Just last week I went on a run and in the residential area, I came across a large wooden black X that was mounted right outside someone’s house. It didn’t belong anywhere particular, it was just there, mounted perfectly like it was for me. Today, I went to school and in the cafeteria I noticed a music video with a rap musician that I was unfamiliar with. As the music video progressed, there was a small X on the table next to the rap artist who was looked at the camera while he was performing.
Before my first class, I decided to go to the Hill, where most students will go to read, have lunch, do homework, pretty much engage in whatever activities. As I sat down and rested against one of the trees, I looked up in the sky and as the clouds moved in front of the sun, a large X-formation was formed.
What does this mean? I don’t understand.
I’m seeing things…Hearing things, but I know they are there. I’m not hallucinating. I’m completely sober, and I feel great, but I’m a little scared. Something is happening and I’m not quite sure exactly.
I miss my Baby.
Sometimes I hear her, but then I remind myself that maybe it’s not her. Maybe I am hallucinating. Maybe, it’s just wishful thinking. I haven’t seen in years, so it is a bit hopeless and romantic for me to fantasize about her, but I have kept up with her mostly by way of social media (kinda stalking, but not anymore). She’s beautiful. She’s a grown woman, and I’m sure she is doing fine attracting plenty of suitors, but that’s the thing. I don’t believe there to be a good man out there, not at least one who cares more about her body. I know enough to make certain judgements and assertions about her, it’s called wisdom. Age, location, social standing, family history, beauty, charm, intellect, these things are not that difficult to assess, but the only thing is her heart.
How is she really doing? I’m worried. I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m scared. I want to be there for her, but I know I can’t.
I hate this generation. I hate this culture. I don’t belong here.
In my class today, Myth and Ritual, we continued talking about the Dogon people, and their way of knowing, and what practices they use to document language, culture, and access to knowledge. We talked about divination. Sometimes the professor says certain things, I swear it feels like he is directing it at me. I do my best to stay calm, and not jump to any conclusions, but I honestly believe that sometimes G-d is bestowing worldly knowledge to me that in secret is actually spiritual knowledge.
Again, it’s strange ever since my change this new year, I have felt a presence around me, and I’m not sure if this presence is lightness, or dark, good or evil, but what I do know is is that it affects those around me too. I’m coming up on the end of the first hour. I will take the next hour to organize my paperwork, notebooks, and other school materials.