Feelings of hopelessness is suffering, better yet, it’s Christ-like.
Knowing the truth, and moving forward in the future without having any control of it is spiritually exhausting.
I sit here in my apartment concerned about my future and whether or not I’ll get a chance to be married, become a father, and have a meaningful career, and at the same exact time I think about how much of a piece of trash I am.
Ideation then sets in, and I start to wonder why am I living?
I don’t deserve to live. Do yourself a favor, end it now, before you hurt other people.
I do my best to again stay motivated and look into educational videos that will provide a sense of direction and purpose, but it falls short and becomes yet another distraction from my Baby.
Even in my ideation, I think about how I can hurt others. I think about the other people in her life who have done her wrong, and how I may have indirectly have caused those situations. I become sick to my stomach. I get off the internet and shut off the music because I feel a range of emotions in short period of time, I feel like I’m literally sick.
Horny. Angry. Confused. Depressed. Hopeless.
With my roommate gone and now with his girlfriend at her apartment, I have the place to myself, so I decide to return to silence. No talking out loud. No music, just me, myself and the occasional upstairs chatter and raucous from my neighbors.
It’s early, so I figure like many times I’ll just sleep away the depression in hopes of waking up tomorrow rejuvenated for another day.
I can’t sleep. I toss and turn. I get cold sweats, and I think about the motherfuckers who put their hands on my Baby. Agh!
This is your fault! Why did you leave her? You shouldn’t have said anything, you could have just waited patiently and none of this would have happened.
After shutting my eyes and forcing myself to deal with the darkness I fall asleep. I’m not sure how long I go into a hibernation, but it feels forever. To my disappointment, it was only an hour once I woke up and finally looked at my watch.
Fuck! Now what?!
Like many times I find myself going to the bathroom just in case I need to puke. Lately, I haven’t had to vomit, it’s just more of gag-reflex, like something is being pushed out of my stomach – like another person.
I once had an old friend non-chantly suggest I see a priest to get it taken care of. Thinking about it now I guess she meant I look into getting an exorcism. Haha! No thanks. I’ll deal with my demons, thank you.
In the mirror I see an old man trapped in a young man’s body. He’s dying to get out and be free from the nasty flesh that has consumed the world and all its false hopes of happiness. He’s a ghastly figure, haunted and tormented by all the sin he has committed and inflicted onto those he not only hates, but more those he loves dearly.
As he walks back out into the living room he turns off the laptop, turns off the audio-entertainment set in order to deal with the pain and range of emotional fire darts. Prick! Pervert! Pedo –
A man outside speaks loudly, his voice is so coarse that it sounds like he is about to burst open through the door.
You’re mine bitch!
I grab my combat knife…
No, stop! Relax! You’re thinking too much again. Take a deep breath.
The loud voice subsides and vanishes into the distance.
Go for a walk.
When I step outside I can hear loud thunderous sirens coming from the east side of Wilshire. The red lights hang high over the rest of the cars on the street, there’s no way to miss them.
As I begin my walk into the night the sirens become louder, and louder, and closer. I stand still and become frozen.
Are they coming for me? Did someone call in an attempted suicide?
I can’t move. I just stand there like statue, hoping that maybe the ambulance and the firetruck were indeed for me. Maybe, just maybe, they can save me from myself, save me from this dead corpse that I am living in.
As the ambulance and fire truck pass me, they slow down as if to remind me of the value of life. THEY WERE NOT CALLED FOR ME…
They turn on Avenue, and I decided to follow the lights and the loud sirens. They turn into the alleyway just behind my apartment complex and make their way just a couple of blocks down. I proceed to follow.
Down the alley, it is dark and the path is narrow. All I can see are two large monster-like figures with red horns on top of them rotating and spinning sending out flares of red florescent lights. In the distance I can see another ghostly figure lingering in the shadows of these two great beasts. The shadow lights a cigarette and shortly puff and lets out a small cloud of smoke into the sky.
As I come closer to firetruck and ambulance, I can see two medics prepare a stretcher. Another two medics make their upstairs to the second floor. I have no fear as to how close I am allowed to get. I walk up to the firetruck, and notice on the driver’s door an emblem that reads:
“To serve with integrity.”
The driver sits in, and is on standby waiting for further with his radio in hand. Another firefighter sits next to him on the other side. They are both watchers. They are both guardians. The driver turns and looks at me; I look straight at him. He gives me a nod and turns his back to the front.
I sit myself maybe 10 to 15 feet away from the ambulance. I sit on the curb and watch everything unfold before my eyes.
I glanced up to the sky and notice on the second floor balcony, an elderly woman with long brown hair and dark eyes. She scans the first floor and waits…She waits longer…
An elderly man is brought out from the first floor on the stretcher while being escorted by three other medics. He is strapped in with a mask over his mouth, tubes going into his flesh, and a small IV accompanying him on the side.
The woman on the balcony remains unmoved. Like a statute, she is still, frozen. A bird could have landed on her shoulder and she would have not moved let alone even flinch. Her eyes were still and focused on the man getting placed inside the ambulance.
Was this her neighbor? Was this her friend? Could this man be her husband?
I clasped my hands together and I did the only thing I was capable of doing at the time,
I prayed for that man. I prayed for his health and survival. I also prayed that if this woman was indeed this man’s wife, that they would have more years together as a couple.
As the man was settled into the ambulance, the doors were closed, and all I could see was from the small little window was the IV hanging from the pole, and the two medics working on the man’s chest.
I looked up again to the woman and she turned and looked directly at me. Her eyes were big, dark, and appeared to be somber – she did not blink. Stone cold. After a few seconds she retreated inside back into her apartment.
Lord, Father, was I the cause of this? Did I bring Death to this man? Please Father, bring Life to him once more. Let him live longer. Please Lord.
Now I sit here, quietly in my apartment, with nothing but a single candle lit.
My body is hot. I am being moved by something. I feel fire.
I am fire.