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One Year Anniversary!

It’s my one year anniversary of writing this blog! Wow, does time fly!

I am thankful for the things that the Lord has taught me through these times of adversary.

“I became a fool to know wisdom, and through it all wisdom was patient with me.”

Thank you for giving me a second chance, and showing me the truth about myself and this world. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I believe that God will set me free and through this new found freedom I will be able to share the light, love and trust with others.

Amen.

 

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Dear Michael

Dear Michael,

I write this for you as a reminder to forgive yourself and be honest. A lot has transpired in the past seven years from your time in community college and working in Orange County, to your service in the Marine Corps, and to now your residence at UCLA is Los Angeles. You have seen a lot; you have developed in many ways. However, you have also been backsliding, that is, been regressing. You failed to see acknowledge and accept the signs of growth, and instead returned to your vomit like a dog. You turned to your old ways in hopes of discovering new things, and unfortunately nothing was there. Sure, you did some fun and cool things, met some “interesting” people, but you have comprised so much of your personal development that you are now back in the pit, fighting for your life to get out of the mud. You have made some pretty bad choices, and sadly in the process have hurt others. This is not the end of the world, but understand that now you must accept the truth and acknowledge where you are today, Wednesday, June 28th, 2017. You’re still young, and there is certainly room for improvement, but the change starts today. With that change you have to come face-to-face with some harsh realities about yourself. You have been for a lack of a better term, an agent of Satan, and you have deluded yourself into believing otherwise. Many people around you for years have tried to intercede and inform you of your mental illness, but you ignored them and continued to Do As Thou Wilt. The result of this behavior has led to you becoming possessed. You committed to an idea, became possessed by it, and now you are wrestling within yourself the truth from the lie. Now before you start going down the spiral of guilt and shame and pity, understand that this is not entirely your fault, you are only partly responsible. For many years of your life you have been confused and abused, and when these deep foundational issues are not addressed, people who  have been traumatized often react to this feelings by expressing outward behaviors that are typically socially deviant. This is Psychology 101, but in some regard it is contains some aspects of spiritual warfare. You see you have been born into a cosmic battle, a war, that is going on between Satan and his fallen Angels and God – this is the cosmic narrative. At the lower level, here on planet Earth, you have experienced what it is known as projection. Many people project unto others their feelings, beliefs, attitudes and other behaviors how they over the course of their lifetime, constructed their worldview. You see, everyone has a worldview. They view the world a type of way, and consequently they also view themselves a type of way. Some world views are based in religion, while others politics, and others material wealth, riches, fame, security, etc. The list goes on and on. The point is is that everyone has an idea about how the world should be and in essence how every individual should be as well. Now this is not entirely good or bad, or right or wrong, it is just a belief, an attitude that humans develop of the course of their life. Where the deep rooted issue in you, and in the rest of humanity is that we are all sinners. Yes, I know you’re tired of hearing that term and the concept of sin is SOOO antiquated, but it’s true, and once you understand the nature of sin and you can deeply understand how sin is transferred from one generation to the next. Okay, so here is where we start getting to the nuggets of your life….Are you ready for some wickedness?

Yea? Well good. I’m glad because now you are becoming self-aware which is another important element of your life when reading this letter. Okay, here we go!

You come from a “broken home,” this is easy to explain. Your parents, your biological parents, were not together when you were born, and although the story between them often shifts and is inconsistent, most people tend to defend the mother because it’s in their nature to – probably because we are breastfed by them. You grew up for the first part of your life with your mom and step-dad, which was well sucky, for the most part. They were poor, and often times you moved from place to place, trying to find an affordable situation to settle into. That never happened.

Okay, here’s where it gets juicy…

When you were around four or five years old, your older uncle, Michelangelo, molested you. It was in a closet and for what you remember it felt nice to be touched and acknowledged by another family member. What’s crazy is this wasn’t the only time you were touched. Your cousin Angie, she too, molested you. What’s even more crazy is that her uncle on her father’s side molested her. See what I mean when I talk about the term generational sin? The cycle continues, and what is astounding is that this is so prevalent in many families. Molestation often times is undetected and is kept secret for years once it’s discovered. For some reason families think it is best to keep things “hush, hush,” and better to “keep it in the house.”

What ensues after sexual abuse is one of three things, sexual exploration with the self, violence and aggression, and self-medication, and let me tell you you did all three! Wow! You’re a freak.

; )

Remember, it is important throughout this entirely letter to not fall into the role of victim. There is a time and place for that, and right now your time has passed at the reading of this.

Are you starting to understand why you loved to fight in middle school and high school? It’s partly because you were reacting to what was inside of you, and it didn’t help that you weren’t receiving affection from home – this definitely didn’t help your relationships with girls, not one bit.

But remember, it’s okay. You’re alive and you’re still here.

Now if I remember correctly you’re cycle of sin kind of went like this:

  1. Molestation and Sexual Abuse
  2. Masturbation and Pornography
  3. Violence and Aggression
  4. More Masturbation and Pornography
  5. A loss of a faith – A broken heart
  6. Projections

 

The loss of a faith was HUGE one because the person at the time you cared about was your entire reason for existence, and that my friend is wrong! You essentially treated your high school girlfriend like an idol, she drove you away from God, and left you in the hurt.

Unfortunately, your worship of women has been essentially a void that you have been trying to replace for years and because of it you have been involved in my destructive habits and relationships.

Man O man, it only gets worse, but don’t worry there’s hope at the end.

Here we are, years later, in a new town, Orange County! It’s beautiful, as you know, in Orange County. Beautiful houses, beautiful people, pretty much beautiful everything.

You’re running around, newly single, discovering yourself at community college. One day a friend from work offers you to smoke a cigarette, except it wasn’t a cigarette it was a marijuana joint! DUN DUN DUN!

Drugs, drugs, drugs!

At first you were immensely paranoid and anxious, but later you came to accept the euphoria, and from there on you become a stoner, a doper, a drug addict.

Oh yes, marijuana is addicting! Don’t believe that media new hype.

It’s all a lie! Just another way to stupefy the nation and the future generations of our youth, get them high!

Days and months went by as you experimented with your drug use. What was so pathetic is that you were literally a junkie. You could not go anywhere without being high. Church, school, work, the grocery store, everywhere you went, you were high.

What you have to understand is that you were not only getting high, but you were opening a channel, allowing your spirit to be open to other entities and mediums.

That’s right, we’re getting spiritual.

You allowed yourself to be opened up to Satan and his demons.

Not only did you become increasingly compulsive in your smoking and drinking, but you also became addicted to pornography, another channel to your mind.

In secret you unknowingly started practicing chanting, without knowing what chanting really was, and later you began to start interpreting your dreams, and started to receive messages from spirits. This was not God, or Christ, nor Angels, this was the Devil. You were being funneled with the Devil and his minions.

There’s more.

You got involved with a family that was secretly also involved with the Devil, but little did you know.

You were a babe, ignorant, and for the most part impressionable. Once again you were sucked in by Satan and His Demons.

What’s interesting is that you were guilted into thinking you had some fault in all of it? So again, being fueled by Satan, you feel need to confess your sins, and play the hero.

You become a poet, a writer, and by expelling all your guilt and shame you made yourself vulnerable to them. You became entrapped by some virtue of “Catholic guilt.”

Where things become more interesting is you enter into the military, which if you didn’t know now, actually involves aspects of Satanic Ritual Abuse in their training. They broke you down, humiliated you, abused you, to then turn you into something else, a potential killer.

That’s not who you are Michael!

You’re not a killer, and although sometimes I know what you think about doing to yourself or others you are bitter against, that is not who you are. You are a genuine nice guy, a lover, a scholar, a poet, a writer, a patron of the arts, a family man, you’re not some blood-thirsty war monger.

That’s who they wanted you to be. That’s what Satan wanted for you.

You go overseas, and what happens is the demons inside of you go dormat, they stayed quiet and watch you as you put on a display of character.

The problem with all of this is that you never really escaped the trap, you only dug yourself more into it. You deluded yourself more and more and more. When others tried to help you you ignored them. You thought God was using you for His plan to become something that you were never meant to be. That’s the reality of it all.

Now let’s talk about something that for so long has guided your life, the D word.

That’s right, Dreams.

In some regard the Bible does have precise evidence that prophets and the elect were given visions and dreams by God and his Angels, but it is also clear that dreams can be given by false spirits. Don’t forget that the Angel Gabriel allegedly spoke to the prophet Mohammad and look now what has been made of the Islam religion. That’s besides the point, but what I am trying to articulate here is that Satan and his demons are actually very powerful and they should not be underestimated. Here’s a fancy quote from Martin Luther that I found might help you in your spiritual journey:

We believed, during the reign of the pope, that the spirits which make a noise and disturbance in the night, were those of the souls of men, who after death, return and wander about in expiation of their sins. This error, thank God, has been discovered by the Gospel, and it is known at present, that they are not the souls of men, but nothing else than those malicious devils who used to deceive men by false answers. It is they that have brought so much idolatry into the world.”

Martin Luther, God bless him, has liberated thousands if not millions of people from the Roman Catholic church. Now, one quick note about Catholics: There not all whores, they are not all devils, and they are certainly not all pedophiles. Like many religions and systems of beliefs or political groups, there are bad representatives in them. It’s like saying black people are bad because you had one bad experience with a black individual, the logic behind that doesn’t make any sense. What I will tell you though is there is a lot in the Roman Catholic church that is EXTRA.

I use the word extra because nowadays that word is used to describe someone or something that is “too much” or “unnecessary.” That is exactly my point there is a lot of stuff in the Roman Catholic church that is not good, and that is not aligned with the Gospel and the Bible. There’s a lot of paganism in there, new-age philosophy, and so-on and so forth.

Again, not all Roman Catholics are going to hell, but I believe now that a lot of them are misled by the EXTRA that is being propagated in their systems of order and mission.

Phew! We have gone over a lot haven’t we?

Sexual Abuse, Drugs, violence, dysfunction, military, Martin Luther, what’s next?

This is the last part, which is going to be the hardest.

TRUTH.

The truth is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, period! It’s real. It happened and it’s going to happen. There is no gray area, there is no middle ground. It’s the World, or it’s the God the Father, the Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost.

Read the Bible, it’s there, it’s all there.

You have to believe with all your heart, mind and soul. There is nothing else. There is judgement, redemption and then salvation. For everyone else there is Hell.

The evidence is in the Bible and there is certainly evidence outside of it.

You have to forgive yourself MICHAEL. You have to let go of the past. The past is the DEVIL, it’s Satan trying to control you.

The Devil wants you to stay in the past, he wants you to feel guilty all the time and moral responsible. It’s not your fault. You did not know. It wasn’t for you to understand, and it’s certainly not your responsibility to save anyone from their unfortunate predicament. It’s hard, I know, you want to do something, but you can’t. You have to accept the fact that this is out of your control. YOU CANNOT SAVE HER! SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE SAVED!

More on with your life, and dedicate your life to preaching the Gospel. It’s life or death. What do you want a life that is fake? Or a life that is genuine?

People need to hear the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We are, they are, running out of time.

The world is running out of time.

Stop trying to be cool, or fit-in, or be safe and secure. Dedicate your life to Christ, that’s all that matters!

I know this is going to sound weak and probably pathetic, but you most pray. You must humble yourself and pray. God allowed you to come to Los Angeles and pursue your narcissistic dreams so that you could be humbled. You were the Prodigal son dude! Like literally, you were the Prodigal son!

It’s time to live a life of complete honesty and truth!

Life isn’t about your material wealth, your riches, your marriage and happy wife, and a two-car garage. It’s about Jesus Christ!

Dude, life sucks, we already know that. You’re not going to get the so-called “Girl of Your Dreams,” that’s a lie. There’s no such thing man! How many divorces and remarriages are there? How many times do people jump from relationship to relationship? All the time! That romance and life of Bliss has been propagated by the Bourgeoisie, the European elites, and the Royal class. Sacrifice your life to Jesus Christ and there will be an even greater reward in Heaven. In heaven there will be no suffering, no more rape, no more abuse, no more war, no more divorce, no more incest, no more inequality, no more death!

Your whole life you have been looking for something to fight for!

Fight for Jesus!

 

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The Devil In Me, the Devil in Him.

I have been deceived by a lie, and I have been fueled by my obsession with control and power;

I have been led astray by delusion, feeding the belly of a beast that is never satisfied.

In my travels I have hurt others for the sake of greed and narcissism.

Now I have come face-to-face with the adversary, me, and Him, the Devil.

I have heard the Devil within me, laughing and taunting as he expels his craft and charm on those who I have hurt, and in this pain that continues I realize the lie that we have been consumed by.

It was just a dream…Nothing else, nothing more.

I became Satan, looking for more and in my search I found nothing but an empty pit of sorrow. In the pit it is dark, and cloud, and it is lonely.

Climbing out of the pit is almost impossible, but it is doable.

However, once you have come out of it, you encounter yet another unfortunate event:

A fight with the truth.

In this fight you see all your sin, your shame, and your guilt. The truth does not exaggerate, omit, or deny, it sets you free, but it comes at the cost of your soul.

When the truth is revealed everything else becomes dead, and likewise, everything sees you as death. It is a para social relationship coupled with the supernatural.

Now I must decide:

Do I run away with the truth, or do I return to bed with the lie? Do I whore myself to Satan once again, or do I break off my chains and head for the hills, in high places, as close to Heaven as I can be.

I once was Satan until I realized he was also my neighbor, my friends, my parents, my teachers, my past girlfriend, my mentors, Satan was my everything.

Now I must run away again, but this time run towards the truth.

#DeadMenTellNoTales

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Thank You

Thank you for setting me free.

Thank you for allowing me to see the truth.

I will soon be with my Lord, I will soon be with my God.

Thank you for always being honest.

Thank you for always being true.

I know I will see you in another life; I am more than confident.

Your dedication.

Your loyalty is seen above in the Heavens.

Your submission, and your love has been accounted for, and I know this now before I leave.

You are beautiful in every single way.

You are the One who has given me hope in another life, and you should be happy to for it is also waiting for you.

You are doing what you have to do, and I have to do what I must do.

I have and always will love you from the bottom of my heart.

Just know that nothing unseen will not be judged. Justice will be served to you, and to your loved ones.

Your life will be a testimony to others.

You are a Light to many, and to those who persecute you they will receive their proper judgement.

You will be a counselor to many.

You will be a teacher to many.

You are wisdom.

I thank you for all that you have brought to my life.

I thank God for every remembrance of you.

My Love,

Forever.

 

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Things That Ruined My Life

As I approach the end of my time here in Los Angeles, at university, I can’t help but mull over certain times and aspects of my life that have had detrimental consequences to my health, quality of life, and relationships. I speak a lot less, and I think that’s partly because I realize many people spend their time talking about pointless things, such as gossip and other frivolous matters. When I go out with friends I usually spend the majority of my time watching people, easing in to their half-baked conversations and in the process, hoping to hear wisdom and sound advice. Unfortunately, though, most of the time these conversations are baseless rooted in nothing but depravity and self-absorption. The things that ruined my life are obvious yet complex due to the nature of how I came across them in the various stages of my life.

  1. Women – I have had too many unhealthy and unstable relationships with women, both romantic and platonic, and I have come to realize that quality friends with men or women is better than have a large quantity. I think most of the time I spent with those men and women in the past was due to a certain imbalance of emotion and feelings mostly dealing with insecurity. Even now, I have to fight the urge to find hope and meaning in other people, to include women. I think we humans do this because so much of our lives is largely dependent on other people, and to be honest it is really hard to be self-reliant. It seems as though every aspect of life requires some type of interaction or involvement with another human – there is no escaping it. Now, as I am approaching 30 years on Earth, I have come to to the realization that the best thing someone can do for themselves is to wait, patiently, as hard as it is because good things come in time, but anything that is rushed is cheap, dirty, and unsatisfying.
  2. Alcohol/Excessive alcohol – I have lost some family members to this dangerous drug, and to this day I wonder if alcohol plays a role in genetic determinism. As much as I enjoy being social and around other people, it really frustrates me that we, us, drink on the premise of relation, or more so we drink because its cool, or because we want to be a part of something. Quite frankly, with the exception of maybe a couple of beers, or a glass of wine, I really don’t like alcohol. I don’t like the taste, and I don’t get why other people like it either. Again, I think the reason people drink because it is largely due to our culture and it is because of our culture that we have been socially engineered to drink and if we don’t it’s assumed that were “struggling,” or there is a religious motivation like we are some type of prude.
  3. Porn – I can’t explain the horror that this device, this form of depravity has corrupted my mind and soul. Porn gives us a backwards image of people. It reduces humanity, both men and women, to things, as objects, dick and pussy, breasts and ass, it is by far the lowest thing out there today. The worst part of porn in my generation is that it is so easily accessible, a kindergartener can get it off his mom’s phone, a homeless person can find connection by a nearby wifi network, it’s everywhere, subliminal and up-close, it’s everywhere. I can’t remember how young I was when I first got exposed to it, but I think I was like 10 or 11 years old, and I remember feeling strange, eerily different about the whole experience and because it was so invasive and hidden, I became addicted. I wanted more. The thing with porn is it never satisfies the lust and sexual drive. You watch it and then watch it again and again and again. The more we watch it the more grotesque it becomes. What’s worse is sometimes porn consumption takes such a hold on us, that sometimes we want to act it out, so we hurt those close to us – family, friends, acquaintances. It is my belief that whether or not we are caught using it, porn always has an outside effect on our personas and ultimately our bodies. We whore ourselves to this medium, and sadly for someone of us, we create our own porn fantasies.
  4. Drugs – I know there is legitimate discourse and literature available that proves that drugs, some of them, have medicinal benefits; however, I don’t believe that doing drugs for recreational purposes is a sound and moral choice. My experience has been foggy mixed with bad choices and post-traumatic events. The thing about drugs is that there is no absolute condition to what effect it will have on the user – everyone is affected differently. The other issue I have drugs, like alcohol, is that it alters who we are. It changes our true selves. We essentially are taken over by the liquids, fumes, smoke, that go into our bodies and something else takes a hold of us, an alter, an alter-ego. We lose ourselves in the midst of using drugs and in the end, sacrifice our bodies and minds to other spirits and outside entities. We change, and sometimes that change has detrimental effects – effects that will rid us of our integrity and dignity.
  5. Religion –
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THE COLD HARD TRUTH

THE COLD HARD TRUTH

THIS is not a story about combat, or why I joined the Marine Corps, this is a story about discovering truth in a creative writing class. For the past two years I have been writing. I have been writing essays, poems, and short stories – I even had a short run at screenwriting. At one point I thought I could make it as a famous Hollywood scriptwriter, that dream is dead now. The point is I have been looking for something, trying to find a truth long lost in my experimentation with drugs, alcohol and other things. I became lost in the abyss of choices, both personal and professional. Should I reenlist and become an officer in the military? Should I become a teacher? Should I take a year off and travel? What the hell should I do? Where the hell should I go? That is the question that all of us ask ourselves as we journey through this experience we call college. We take classes hoping to find an answer to the question: What is the meaning of all this, and how do I get paid after graduating? Now, as I am just a few weeks away from graduating I will tell you what I have learned. Number one, I don’t care about the money. Yes, that’s right, I’m not motivated by how much money I can make. I am motivated by what I can do and how I can do it well. As many have told me along the way, “Money comes and it goes,” which leads me to my second point. Work. It’s not enough to have passion for something because at the end of the day you still need to eat, the rent has to be paid, and taxes are due in April. When I was a teenager I wanted to be an actor, work on stage and in all the big blockbuster movies, but when I finally came to Los Angeles, the city of broken people, I soon recognized that there were hundreds if not thousands of people, just like me, who also wanted to be an actor. From this realization I learned that it’s not enough to want something, or desire it, you actually have to go out and work for it and a lot of times, it doesn’t work out the way you expected it to. We have to work, that’s the harsh reality of it all, some of us get to do what we dreamed of and others well, they have to settle for something less sexy. Number three. Love and romance are hard things. There’s passion involved, but like a job, it requires a lot of work and a lot of rejection. When I was young I believed that love was this thing that just happened to you, and everyone would get a piece of the pie. Well, that’s not true. The truth is not everyone will have an opportunity to love and be loved, some of us will experience a void in that department, and so I learned to deconstruct these false realities and assumptions that everyone will get married, have kids and do the mommy and daddy thing. No, in actuality a lot of us won’t experience that old American dream. We will work for the rest of our lives and in the midst of it all try to make meaning of our circumstances and environment. When once in academia we were philosophers, sociologists, writers, painters, and future road scholars to then handling phone calls, emails, learning the different functions of the Xerox machine fully adapting the ways of the keyboard warrior. Administrative special ops are what I call these technicians in all their glory and valor. Number 4 beneath each person’s smile and presentation is a vault of brokenness and uncertainty, a cloud of confusion and at worst, anger and frustration. You see we’re all suffering to some extent. There’s some part of us that remains unresolved and we mask it with finances, degrees, careers, shallow relationships, and many more things that occupy our space and time. While some are good at hiding their pain others are living it out in the streets, huddled away in holding cells, or in rooms with white walls and a twin bed in the corner to sleep in. With suffering comes the understanding that madness is a universal trait that is unprejudiced to race, gender or any other political identity. We all got shit and some of us are better at concealing the smell while others let the aroma fill the room. Number 5: Blaming someone is easier than taking responsibility. Something that I did not know existed until I entered university circles was the notion of privilege. I stand here and read this and think to myself, “Well, hey, I’m pretty privileged. I didn’t have to endure through any firefights, I have all my limbs, and for the most part, my mind is pretty intact – for the most part.” However, I didn’t understand this concept of privilege as a vehicle for blaming injustices or inequalities. I simply just didn’t get it, but then I realized we have been doing this since the beginning of time. It’s the easiest and fastest way to give an answer, blame somebody. The white man, black people, Jews, Nazis, the British, women, the gays, just blame somebody and it all makes sense. Well, not exactly. I have learned that no matter what the powers at be are orchestrating the thing that I must do is take accountability of myself ultimately that’s what we must all do. Number 6. Life is hard. There’s no easy way around it, it’s difficult. It isn’t sunshine and rainbows, far from it, it’s a cold dark world and we all do our best to filter the evil that takes place everyday. We see it in the news, and often times we shield ourselves from it because we don’t want to deal with that reality. Instead we all do our best to live our secure and comfortable lives and try our best to control the outer chaos with colliding with our inner turmoil. It’s an unfortunate reality, but it’s the truth. Many will say I sound like a pessimist, or that my piece here reads like nihilism, but the truth is I am an optimist because I do believe at some point things do get better. That there is redemption at the end of the road and although it may be hard to see, it’s worth traveling the long hard road to find peace, happiness and serenity. When I look in the mirror I face my ugly truth, and when I go outside I see the world’s ugly truth, but the truth is better than living a beautiful fantasy contrived by fables, Disney movies and inspirational political speeches. Just give me the truth, the cold hard truth and nothing more.

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“The Right Decisions for the Right Reasons.”

I visited a Marine Corps Officer recruiter yesterday. We had a conversation about life, career ambitions, personal goals and family. He was a well spoken man and although I already know how recruiters work and their tactics to get people to “sign the dotted line,” I felt inspired to look for answers and seek the truth in areas that are important to me. After we finished our conservation I remember at the front desk was sitting this large kind of burly man. His name was “Big O.” He served 30 years in the Marine Corps and is now retired with a second job.

“What are you here for son?” he said.

“Purpose Sir,” I replied.

“Ah, yes. I did my time. 30 years, and now I’m just waiting in line like everybody else.”

At first I wasn’t sure what he meant by “waiting in line,” but as our conversation continued I realized he meant death. Judgement. Life.

I’m not sure if Big O is religious or not, but I get the hint that maybe he has some deep moral and religious convictions.

“I tell my son that whatever you do in life that if it’s for the right reasons then that’s all that matters.”

Our conversation ended there, but it did stick with me. Now I have six more days to decide if I am going to go through with the this application. A lot is at risk, and I’m still undecided as to which path I am going to take. The fork in the road, that’s where I stand and unfortunately, the decision isn’t an easy one.

Life.

Death.

Judgement.

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